Today I write you from a very vulnerable place. My heart is aching and I have found myself questioning everything I have come to believe over the past twenty years of being involved in this work. I live in a sleepy little town of about three thousand people and this week there was a tragic accident in a neighboring small community that claimed the lives of a young mother and her three sons. She and her youngest died at the scene and the others followed in the days after. She was also four months pregnant. While I didn't know them personally I am grieving their passing as if we had been life long friends. I am not alone in this grief, it is shared by thousands of people, some family, some friends and some just like me, strangers but all of us have been left to wonder why or how such terrible things are allowed to happen. Our collective faith has been shaken and the sorrow has permeated the very air we breathe.
I have personally been bombarded by doubt and uncertainty. It is my job to lift people up in these times. I have a duty to help people through their grief and prove to them that death isn't the end and it's all a part of a bigger plan and that it is all going to be okay. But today, I don't feel okay. I have been reading the posts on social media, a lot of them from people I have worked with and I try to thing of something I could say or something I could do to put it all into perspective for them and reassure them that it really is going to be okay but no words occur to me to speak.
In my desperation to think, to speak, to just do something the thought came to me that sometimes you can't and that's okay. Sometimes we need to grieve and cry and question our faith and walk around feeling like we have been hit by a train. I don't know why bad things are allowed to happen to good people and I don't know if I will ever understand that part of life. But even in this dark hour and though I am questioning my own faith I am still certain of these things... life does exist after death and we will all be reunited with those we have loved and lost. I know that the grief is ours alone here on earth and those in heaven are wrapped in the most love they have ever felt and time doesn't exist and there is no pain and they are happy and whole. They are not separate from us but are with us always and participate in our daily lives even when we can't feel them near. We are truly loved beyond measure and the day we are called home we will feel it and pass it down to the generations that mourn our passing. As difficult as it is to say right now I know there is a plan and that even though we might not know what it is or how to even comprehend how to look for it, it is exactly what we need in these times.
"All the darkness in this world cannot extinguish the light of a single flame". Francis of Assisi
Hold on to those you love. Live your life to the fullest. Focus on things that make you feel good. But today and for the days that follow when you feel the need to grieve and question your faith....let it come. Allow the feelings and the sadness and the anger to take you. But please remember to bring yourself back to the beauty that life can bring. Please keep this family and all of their friends in your prayers.
As always I am here to serve. If you have questions or comments feel free to leave them.
I am in the middle of revamping my whole house and it has been a challenge to say the least. My house is a complete disaster area at the moment but as we get rid of more and more stuff and make the much needed changes, I notice that somehow I feel lighter. What is happening on the outside reflects the inside is something I have heard before but this time it is taking on a whole new meaning. I have entered into a new season of my life and amidst the changes of every day life I didn't notice just how lost I was feeling.
Dont get me wrong, this new season of my life isn't a bad one. I have so many amazing things happening that I can't keep up with counting my blessings. Things have been changing rapidly before my eyes but somehow it has happened so gradually I didn't notice but when I did finally see the changes reality kind of slapped me in the face. My identity for the past twenty years has been mommy and even though I still have younger kids in the house they are becoming more and more independent. My youngest who has always had his words for things is starting to speak properly, he actually called his beloved Tilta-Hurl by its proper Tilta-Whirl name the other day and when I heard it I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. Grief is a fickle friend and is warranted when we go through any change. Right now I am losing my identity, I am losing my babies to adolelescense and all I can say is it sucks.
But.....out with the old and in with the new! It's funny how doing simple things like rearranging furniture and going through the clutter and putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls helps you feel better. Instead of sitting silently and to an extent unknowingly with my grief, making these changes has turned into a symbolic journey of allowing and welcoming in this new season. My life as I have known it for all of these years is going to be different and while I am still grieving the changes I am so excited to see what this next chapter has in store. This "house cleaning" is necessary and the changes on the outside are beginning to reflect on the inside.
We often think of grief as something we go through when someone dies but honestly grief is something we experience with any loss. Whether it's the end of a relationship, a job, a move...or going from mommy to just mom -grief is inevitably going to get you. Allow yourself the emotions and the pain that comes with it and welcome the excitement that these changes can bring.
As always feel free to leave a comment or send a message and if you ever need help,,,I'm here.
I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that sometimes all of us need help. And that sometimes our problems are too big to handle on our own. Sometimes it takes all of our strength to ask for help because we think that we should be able to do it alone. Well guess what....sometimes we can't do it alone! We can't get through without getting some help or some support. Sometimes we need to be strong enough to admit that we aren't perfect or we don't have all of the answers or just even admit that we don't know what to do. Life has its moments, it's ups and it's downs and that is exactly how it's supposed to be. You cannot have light without the dark or good without bad. Everyday we experience and we choose which one wins. If you feel like you're losing, please get some help.
I have had some things happening in my life lately that have had me emotionally, kinda fubarred. I have had to remind myself that sometimes while circumstances appear to be happening TO me,they can actually be happening FOR me. This is true for all of us! Allow me to explain.
In my particular situation the things happening feel very personal but in fact it has nothing to do with me. At the moment, I am an unintentional consequence of another persons baggage. Being that consequence has raised a whole lot of emotions and since I have chosen to be self aware, I understand that those emotions are things that I need to take a deeper look at. In this situation I am feeling angry and quite honestly I could even say I have gotten bitter. The angry stuff is definately in the forefront but when I allow myself to sit with it and take a deeper look I am brought to uncertainty and self doubt, nervousness, and a whole other bag is shit that doesn't feel so nice. So now let's take a look at each emotion I have listed and I will tell you exactly how I shifted it and what I have gained from a seemingly bad experience.
Anger/Bitterness: In this case this is All My Fault! I have to own that. I lack good communication skills therefor things have gotten a little out of control. Anger turns into bitterness the longer you let it go. This is something that has plagued me my entire life. The solution....I need to stay aware of this and continue to work on it. I have to keep creating healthy boundaries and remind myself it's okay to speak up when something is making me feel bad. What I have gained is knowledge that will help me fix the problem. If you can't see it...you can't fix it and then nothing changes.
Self Doubt: Fear
Notice the pattern? While my situation has truly brought up more than this, for the sake of keeping this semi short these are the ones I have decided to settle with. They are the feelings at the forefront and part of the reason I was feeling so angry. Most of our negative emotions are rooted in fear. For me right now, I am feeling like I don't know where I am going and it is very unsettling and I'm freaked.
My Solutions: Acceptance! Sometimes all we can do is accept things the way they are. Most of the time, the more we resist the worse we feel. I am choosing to go with the flow rather than swim against the current and I can tell you I feel better already.
What have I gained? Well in the moment I have gained some incredible and much needed clarity. I'm still uncertain about what's coming but I know exactly what I don't want. And just knowing what I DONT want will help me walk in the direction of what I DO want. That might not seem like much of a gift but this is where the good stuff is born. This is where you can create awesome things! This is where you can let go of the things that you don't want and start new! Pretty exciting, isn't it?
I do want to address the other players in the game. I said they are going through their own stuff and while it felt very personal in the beginning when I shifted my perceptions and took a look at what is happening around them I was able to see that it has nothing to do with me. They aren't doing this to me at all. They are dealing with their own bullshit and I just happen to be along for the ride. Looking at it that way has helped me to feel empathy and compassion for them and I can promise you that feels better than walking around all pissed off.
Even if you are dealing with someone who is actually throwing nastiness your way, I hate to tell you....YOU are the problem! It is up to you to stop the madness. You can't be mad and blame people for things you continue to allow.
You can't sit around wishing for things to be differen or for people to change. You're the one that has to change. Your happiness depends on you, nobody else. A little bit of self awareness goes along way. Take a look inside, pay attention to how you feel...your emotions are speaking to you! And then come up with things you can do to make it better. It isn't easy and it is work. You will never be perfect and these issues will come up as long as you're living but it's a part of the journey. Life isn't easy but you always have a choice to reach for things that feel better.